don't interrupt or get up while the heart is rending,plea?

promptly home from a sublime session,
basking and hounding in the assemblage of variegated souls' ethos concering living without bottles for awakening(falsie) insight-replete personal truths bandied about and I nearly always smile when some young adult 'gets it' and begins anew thislife where they leave the drinking of ethyl alcohol to those who can hack the stuff(evile potion not for us works fine(i guess) for them what ain't alkified and petrified of being ossified.
not just because an oddball like myself attends, but it's gotta treely take ALL kinds: who would 'magine we ourselves would be the kind who would fashion bonds, especially since the split moment the meet ends, most of us head for our keys and cars and check our text messagings et al.,of a time we truly get on one anothers' last nerve connexions,
a soul this morn 'pert near blew my mind with some off-hand spiteful phraseology, as happens,,so following customs(since I neither puff nor chew(Confucious say Manyman smoke but Fu Man Chu), so i had in my toolkit repertoire theoryset no exit(recalling the play Huis Clos/No Exit by Msr. Sartre, in his own way a very sociable sort, sitting at his stool and sipping wine whilst penning a work of grandeur, who had one of the three characters in one penultimate scene state "...Hell is...other people."
(astronaut at close quarters and those with bellowing woofer-bending neighbors can relate, though, and sometimes i sincerely wish a couple 'three of my cow-orkers might share in the Irish Sweepstakes or some such and move forwards on their destiny, smiling and out of my earshot with a cackle,) I arose after plunking something in the fraying basket and grabbed a half watery half full potency cup of meeting coffee, which must be this here world beneath the cloud's muckiest and mulchiest, and the decalf is hard to tell from the regular(not that I'd dare, I 'd be up for a day and a half,sure) It could lead a bowbreaking mutineer on a red morn to swear off the rum, chum.
My limmae of impolitienss at the meets is that, for as rude as I may be to myself and my loved ones, at the groups I'm little Ms Helpfulness and let's all help one another heal.
it does bugger me when dolts ,at times, move about so carelessly whilst someone is sobbing or sharing or son-of -a biscuitying their individualized this-lifetime-aha-I've-got it-nowexperience-epiphany("...and I just realized right then that, I-Need-You-Guys-To-Stay-Sober, y'see?") {that would be my epiphanetic moment,I recall}
Listening to some krsn das and his posse of background voices: I'm certainly not Hindu, though as a lad in my teens, tee-shirts sporting the visage of His Holiness Ganesh, Him of the elephantine ways, as you well know, were very much in the 'in' pigeonhole. It was peculiar how back then, with all the emphasis on doing-one's-own-thing, the clothes police only permitted certain era's(like the twenties or the gay 90's look) and to wanna be a forties-sort-of-soul(not that my mind stretched that far, I mean there was a war going on, for gosh sake) would have been ouster-batter from my clique of similars.
One time even got into a sorta-foodfight with a fellow because I wouldn't admit that I had never even heard a single song off of a Deep Purple album, yet I was dissing it
and he got me good, saying "Oh, you're just saying that album is crummy cuz Bushman says it is"(Bushman was a fellow named after a former deceased-and-stuffed ape who had lived to be nearly fifty at the Brookfield Zoo in Chicagolandand he was wisely, in 'most all matters, our leader and groovy gurdjieff type)
and what irked me most about the guy was(his rebuff to my musical critique) was that he was,
of course
utterly,completely, indefensibly
correct

intermingling Impressioni di Settembri by PFM (recent version, which usually i don't care for) with LUCID DREAMING vid on youtube by LVINGINSUCCESS

the music encourages me to utterly let go and arise
the vid(also on youtube,'course) encourages me throughout this day to ask myself
am i dreaming now?

us lakies and dictos were killing ourselves

in this locale, the puscht has been to expand the housing market but i wish they'd buy up stuff within the existing borders but instead the very very few flowerfarms and tiny acreages of other crops are being bought up for new housing and I grieve because I love that about this otherwise so overfrozen town, that one can drive through it and come across orchids of a sudden, in peculiar juxtaposition to schools and houses. Gotta let go of that control issue, for sure... cuz otherwise whom am i to tell fellow capitalists in the very capitol of consumerism to stop being whom they are? no one,that's who
at the meetings, I can't hack the heat when folks dislike me for pulling their covers and get called a funny bunny when sometimes i give my rapidfire streaming consciousness rap; othertimes, like all of us, i'm in a tripped out space and just rant)
it is astoundishing how something how all of us alkies in a way are like suicides-on-hold, with the bottle out of our holsters?
yeppers, we were on the slow death installment plan and were plucked out at the next to last moment...

thoughts an feelings upon listening to the studio version of I'm you captain/closer to home

upon reflection
and ultimate self-reflection
there remains a remnant of dejection

was it the awareness that emergent
of the healing which needs to be resurgent
in a whorl grown all insurgent?

or was it a feeling-with heart
of that which was back nearer to our soul's start
when the innocence was our mostliestly played part?

bbc doc on freud and advertisers and goebbles

it was sublime, in a horrifying way
to see how folks can be talked into buying stuff they don't need
but then the horro truly took off
when it was seen how the mobs were given the okay and innocent folks were butchered

what are people gonna do with themselves if we cannot unleash but also cannot stay on the pathway?
will we burn our feets and faces as those who go offcourse in Yellowstone at the hot geysers?

we shall see yet It Can be done

this time tomorrow
one thing sure, i'll know
did i go back as an ex-bravado coward
or into the healing flow?

a sign of healing is i am enjoying being home even though still not top notch

at the office,stuff hops in and i start to twip
cow-orkers would say whatever, t'will be okay
but my way has been weary worry tweak and come up
with an answerve that will satisfy the inner perfectionist
so that none could possibly criticalize me
that way is a wrong way
i gotta see the wisdom in my cow-orkers 'proach to this work thing
and not be like me
i'm a poor role modelt for myself in that arena

after the met

after the meet this fellow member comes up and says
ILIKEYOUROUTFIT
now i had on old sweaty sweatlodge pants
a decaying decoy of a sweatershirt that went to collegeicum
and also some blooomerized shorts
and my outfit was liked
now THAT, my fiends, is unconduit love,nay?

writing with a friend i realized her truth: that hleping professionals just cannot allow others stuff to muss up their own minds and hearts

sometimes i DO 'low others' stuff to ruin my day and not to keep my self defended against all the gunk
othertimes i push it away
sometimes i let it in and then let it right back out
sometimes i make art out of it
sometimes i take it in but somehow can see that it is not my stuff and so it doesn't weaken or bring me down
i want to care and yet also not to overly care
yes in the people helping professions tis so easy to get crispy if the safety shields aren't worn and sometimes i do allow my clients' issues to just totally darken my day...

mountains near and far

st back from a tyummywummy walk and gaazing across the grapeyard towards the whitened moon and the mountains the far tall and the nearer more rounded and visible

this morning to awaken and worry

"HI, my name is HSM and I'm twacked(sober but nutso)
and woke up with this nasty fifth day of a cruddy cold and starrted pondering and fretting could it be not sore throat but whaterver that is they always gag you for but you never have? strep that's it
well i talked at the meet and realized NOT!

plus here i was obeyind all traff laws and yet at the same time my mind was twipping on some work related carpola and that is so unrighteous and not the safest way neither

if my mind is NYC, and my eyes are DC, do the boonies (elbows and armpits) get a good listening unto,hmmm?

i 'fess it does seem that wisdom's gong would insist(bong-free)
that one heed her hindermost as well as her neap tides...
that I would listen in and commune and dial a log with my ring-toes
as well as with my eyelids

with my knees as succinctly as with my ear drums

anything less would be
less than my total totem

not Gay, but for goodness sake, people: wake up

I'm not gay but for gosh sake: how can basic civil rights be denied one -tenth(or more) of our population

how could states say Nope to Hope?

it is so way wrong
and my sibling who Is Gay is shattered

being stuck with folks we don't wanna ever see let alone fortyfour howards a week

, helping me even though i've been a crab-meister(being a vegan i never eat dairy and instead on 'lection eve as we was celebrating ate a gigantasaurus pizza(not even really hungry at the time, i rarely 'low that to hop in!) and my pal got 'em a piece or three, slowly
and me eyeballing it to make sure they didn't exceed theirlimit(as if)
and we also some yummy armenaian bulgur salad and a geek salad too and some carrot juice to swill it down with and then i had to have a few thingies of differing chips and somehow i didn't feel so hot the next day, go figger. but id didn't drink. if i hadn't overeaten, i coulda starved out that cold and just been a bit under not totally rocked down upon
my precious sis ygot a new job that last job t reated her baldfacedbadly and also it is SOOOO wise to get new folks to work with
that is part of my own muck is that i'm stuck with these folks(and poor them, stucco with me to perpetually thinking about my family tree